Quote

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Little
Daughter
Nobody
Public
Call
Mother
Grandson
Else
Refuses
Littles
Calls
Ever
Refuse

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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
Joan Rivers
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
Joan Rivers
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
Joan Rivers
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
Joan Rivers
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
Joan Rivers
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Joan Rivers
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
Joan Rivers