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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Call
Mother
Grandson
Else
Refuses
Littles
Calls
Ever
Refuse
Little
Daughter
Nobody
Public

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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers