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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Anyone
Rather
Happy
Funny
Think
Thinking
Damaged
Perfectly
Particularly

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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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