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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Think
Politicians
Thinking
Lawyer
Like
Crisis
World
Judging
Politician
Worry
Concentrating
Simple
Judges
Really
Lawyers

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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
Joan Rivers