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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
World
Judging
Politician
Worry
Concentrating
Simple
Judges
Really
Lawyers
Think
Politicians
Thinking
Lawyer
Like
Crisis

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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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