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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Thinking
Lawyer
Like
Crisis
World
Judging
Politician
Worry
Concentrating
Simple
Judges
Really
Lawyers
Think
Politicians

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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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