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Better laid than never.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Never
Laid
Humorous
Sex
Funny
Better

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers
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Never floss a stranger.
Joan Rivers
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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Can we talk?
Joan Rivers
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
Joan Rivers
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
Joan Rivers
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
Joan Rivers
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
Joan Rivers
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
Joan Rivers
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
Joan Rivers
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
Joan Rivers
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
Joan Rivers
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
Joan Rivers
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
Joan Rivers
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
Joan Rivers