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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sex
Marriage
Minutes
Funny
Comes
Bride
Two
Brides
Humorous
Played

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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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Better laid than never.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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