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Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Breathing
Inspiration
Age
Happiness

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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers