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Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Age
Happiness
Breathing
Inspiration

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Having a baby can be a scream.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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Better laid than never.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers