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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Golf
Goes
Back
Never
Golfing
Admit

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
Joan Rivers
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
Joan Rivers
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
Joan Rivers
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers