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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Faces
Need
Needs
Deals
Face
More quotes by Joan Rivers
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
Joan Rivers
I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
Joan Rivers
I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
Joan Rivers
Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
Joan Rivers
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
Joan Rivers
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
Joan Rivers
I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
Joan Rivers
