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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Life
Calm
Fast
Goes
Funny
Enjoy
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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Never floss a stranger.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
Joan Rivers
