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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Calm
Fast
Goes
Funny
Enjoy
Life
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Joan Rivers
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
