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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Seen
Need
Needs
Desperately
Never
Month
Six
Ugly
Baby
Months

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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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