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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Never
Month
Six
Ugly
Baby
Months
Seen
Need
Needs
Desperately

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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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