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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Need
Needs
Desperately
Never
Month
Six
Ugly
Baby
Months
Seen

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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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