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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Ugly
Baby
Months
Seen
Need
Needs
Desperately
Never
Month
Six

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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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