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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Seen
Need
Needs
Desperately
Never
Month
Six
Ugly
Baby
Months

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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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