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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Never
Month
Six
Ugly
Baby
Months
Seen
Need
Needs
Desperately

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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers