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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Landmark
Landmarks
Declared
Spot
Spots
Historical
Sex
Life

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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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