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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Life
Landmark
Landmarks
Declared
Spot
Spots
Historical
Sex

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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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Better laid than never.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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