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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Declared
Spot
Spots
Historical
Sex
Life
Landmark
Landmarks

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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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Never floss a stranger.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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