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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Spot
Spots
Historical
Sex
Life
Landmark
Landmarks
Declared
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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Better laid than never.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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