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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Historical
Sex
Life
Landmark
Landmarks
Declared
Spot
Spots

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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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