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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Life
Landmark
Landmarks
Declared
Spot
Spots
Historical
Sex

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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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