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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Landmarks
Declared
Spot
Spots
Historical
Sex
Life
Landmark

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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Can we talk?
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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