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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Declared
Spot
Spots
Historical
Sex
Life
Landmark
Landmarks

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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Can we talk?
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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