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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Appeal
Appeals
Calls
Sex
Beauty
Littles
Little
Gynecologist
Gynecologists

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
Joan Rivers
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Joan Rivers
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan Rivers