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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Beauty
Littles
Little
Gynecologist
Gynecologists
Appeal
Appeals
Calls
Sex

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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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Can we talk?
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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