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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Marriage
Money
Doe
Love
Spit
Marry

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
Joan Rivers
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
Joan Rivers
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Joan Rivers
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
Joan Rivers
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan Rivers
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Joan Rivers
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
Joan Rivers
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
Joan Rivers
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Joan Rivers
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
Joan Rivers
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers