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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Spit
Marry
Marriage
Money
Doe
Love
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
Joan Rivers
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
Joan Rivers
Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
Joan Rivers
My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
Joan Rivers
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Joan Rivers
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
