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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Betty
Bowels
Move
Face
Faces
White
Moving

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
Joan Rivers
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
Joan Rivers
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
Joan Rivers
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
Joan Rivers
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
Joan Rivers
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
Joan Rivers
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Joan Rivers
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
Joan Rivers
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Joan Rivers
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
Joan Rivers
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
Joan Rivers