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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Move
Face
Faces
White
Moving
Betty
Bowels

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers