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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Naked
Unless
Guy
Dated
Count
Dumb

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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
Joan Rivers