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I’m never without a bandage.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Bandage
Bandages
Without
Never

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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
Joan Rivers
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
Joan Rivers