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I’m never without a bandage.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Bandage
Bandages
Without
Never

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
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Having a baby can be a scream.
Joan Rivers
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
Joan Rivers
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
Joan Rivers