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I’m never without a bandage.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Without
Never
Bandage
Bandages

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Joan Rivers
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
Joan Rivers
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
Joan Rivers
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
Joan Rivers
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Joan Rivers
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
Joan Rivers
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Joan Rivers
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
Joan Rivers