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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Gays
Uniforms
Gay
Ugly
Military
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Joan Rivers
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
Joan Rivers
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers