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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Gays
Uniforms
Gay
Ugly
Military
Make
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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Never floss a stranger.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
