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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Husband
Tell
Make
Hooker
Delicious
Cook
Cake
Cooks

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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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