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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Cook
Cake
Cooks
Husband
Tell
Make
Hooker
Delicious

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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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