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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Cake
Cooks
Husband
Tell
Make
Hooker
Delicious
Cook

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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Can we talk?
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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