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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Stocked
Trout
Husband
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
Joan Rivers
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Joan Rivers
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
Joan Rivers
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
Joan Rivers
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers