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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Husband
Humor
Funny
Stocked
Trout

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
Joan Rivers
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Joan Rivers
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Joan Rivers
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers