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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Trout
Husband
Humor
Funny
Stocked

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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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