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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Husband
Humor
Funny
Stocked
Trout

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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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