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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Regret
Absolutely
Fame
Humor
Learned
Ever
Done
Regrets
Jokes

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
Joan Rivers
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
Joan Rivers
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
Joan Rivers
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
Joan Rivers
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
Joan Rivers
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers