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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Room
Rooms
Born
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More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
Joan Rivers
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
Joan Rivers
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan Rivers
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Never floss a stranger.
Joan Rivers
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
Joan Rivers
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
Joan Rivers
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Joan Rivers
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan Rivers