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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Years
Watches
Watch
Team
Special
Emmys
Beauty
Nominated
Year
Makeup
Best
Definitely
Going
Effects

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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Can we talk?
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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