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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
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Funny
Making
Love
Wake
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More quotes by Joan Rivers
my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers