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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Irrigation
Jewelry
Find
Sometimes
Like

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
Joan Rivers
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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Can we talk?
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
Joan Rivers
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
Joan Rivers
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
Joan Rivers
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
Joan Rivers
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
Joan Rivers
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
Joan Rivers
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
Joan Rivers