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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sometimes
Like
Irrigation
Jewelry
Find

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
Joan Rivers
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
Joan Rivers
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
Joan Rivers
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
Joan Rivers
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
Joan Rivers
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
Joan Rivers
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
Joan Rivers
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
Joan Rivers
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
Joan Rivers
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
Joan Rivers
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
Joan Rivers
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
Joan Rivers