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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Irrigation
Jewelry
Find
Sometimes
Like

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
Joan Rivers
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan Rivers
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
Joan Rivers
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
Joan Rivers
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
Joan Rivers
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
Joan Rivers
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
Joan Rivers