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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Mayonnaise
Aspirin
Elizabeth
Taylor
Fats
Puts

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Can we talk?
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers