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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Elizabeth
Taylor
Fats
Puts
Mayonnaise
Aspirin

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
Joan Rivers