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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Mayonnaise
Aspirin
Elizabeth
Taylor
Fats
Puts

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
Joan Rivers
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
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Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
Joan Rivers
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
Joan Rivers
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Joan Rivers