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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Aspirin
Elizabeth
Taylor
Fats
Puts
Mayonnaise

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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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