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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Road
Fun
Working
Ark
Means
Towels
Mean
Hotels
Long
Memorable
Hotel
Stealing
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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