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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Uniform
Used
Children
Uniforms
Memorable
Attractive
Child
Scouts
Girl
Tent
Use
Tents
Didn

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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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