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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Girl
Scouts
Use
Tent
Didn
Tents
Used
Uniform
Children
Uniforms
Memorable
Attractive
Child

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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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