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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Asked
Went
Lobotomy
Woman
Derek
Make
Surgeon
Like
Surgeons
Surgery
Plastic
Gave

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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
Joan Rivers
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Joan Rivers